Acting on Thoughts

So I'm not allowed to tell you about all the wonderful people at my Bible Study. I love these women and it's so nice to have a safe place as my friend explained over at Simply Complicated. But there was a sentence uttered that got my brain whirling. "If there's a thought you can ignore, a tugging on your heart, it's probably God" Or something similar to that. When our sweet A girl left, we decided not to do foster care for awhile.
     To be bare bones honest, I had a break down. I had anxiety attacks for over a week. I had two EKGs (one in the ER). I was put on Xanax and Paxil. Three doctors and one ER trip, and one therapist later, I had isolated anxiety. It was scary. My best friend, Brandy, had come down for the premiere of Harry Potter and ended up basically babysitting me for the week. (we did eventually get to see the movie) It was right before Thanksgiving and I have never in my life felt so sad and hopeless. I didn't have the desire to do anything, not Harry Potter, not the DVD release of Eclipse, not church, not Black Friday Shopping, not praying, not watching tv, not reading, nothing. I was such a feeling of emptiness. Thanks to the meds and a new doctor who is a friend, I was on the mend after that horrid week. The therapist contributed the attacks to the severe anxiety over having to say to say goodbye to another foster baby and the fact that I wasn't feeling horrible sad about it. She was the cutest baby in the world and so sweet. But she had the worst temper and didn't like me very much. She loved her "dada" I wasn't really all that sad to see her go and that made me feel worse. Okay, feelings in check now. Hindsight 20/20 and all that jazz. Paxil is a miracle drug and we'll move on with the story.
     So after she left we decided I needed a break. We all did. The kids took two back to back leavings really hard. After much prayer and talking, we decided to adopt. You've all heard the story. So as of now, we're waiting for a waiting child. A child that is legally free for adoption, and needs a home. To be honest, I'm getting a little frustrated that we haven't had any leads. I know there are over 123,000 waiting children. Why hasn't one been put in my home. All that to say this. I went to a foster care training and a new couple had gotten their first placement. A five year old girl and a three year old boy. It was like a punch in my stomach, I knew without a doubt that if I had stayed in foster care, then these would have been my children. I'm not doubting the other couples ability to take care of them or anything, I just felt sad.

   I had been thinking in the back of my mind that we should open our home in the mean time. Maybe the waiting child we are waiting for is actually not a waiting child yet. Maybe they are in foster care and we'd be able to adopt the next child in our home. Or maybe because we have a foster child, we wouldn't be able to accept the placement of our waiting child. It's just a jumble of thoughts right now. I just can't shake the feeling that we should be opening our home again. That that is how we'll get our forever child. Thank you for reading my rumblings. I guess I'm just thinking out loud today. Or err..typing out loud.